to my toddler, from your pregnant momma

To my sweet and defiant 3 year old:

Last night, when you wanted to sleep on my belly and couldn’t, I saw the hurt and tears in your eyes…and it broke me.

I know this isn’t easy for you, and quite often, I focus on my physical condition and the weight, my back, my legs, and all the aches and pains of carrying your little brother because it’s impossible not to…but that does not mean I don’t notice your disappointment. Your creative ways of trying to relate to me do not go unnoticed. It was comical yet so telling for me the other night when you said, “Mommy, I can’t get my hairband because my hips will hurt but I will go this one time,” imitating my pregnancy waddle to the bathroom.

I promise you that I really want to whisk you up while we are dancing, I want to have you nuzzle on my chest, your whole body resting on me like you used to and am sorry that we can’t.

But as I find other ways, know that it’s all temporary, one of these days we will have those moments again…but I know you must fear that baby brother will be here, too.

I hear it when you start to act like a baby if we mention the baby, even in your excitement about him.

My little one, you are my first born. I will always remember the first time you moved in my womb and your first step…you have a place in my heart that no one, not even your little brother, can take.

We will embrace him as family and I know it’s hard to imagine, but I promise you, it will be so fun…all of us together.

I know that your tantrums and regression are not you, that so much has happened recently. Mommy and daddy’s first trip away from you, a move, a baby coming, a different school classroom…and with your amazing grasp of words and your attempt to master all kinds of developmental tasks, maybe your daddy and I have been cracking down with too many rules and expectations. Maybe we need to let you just…cry. Let you be the baby right now.

So we will. Express it my love, freely, and know it’s safe here. But when you kick and flail, mommy will need to move away and it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. I am here to hug it out like we always do, when you are ready, I promise.

I feel you desperately needing our approval at times…and I want you to know that I see you. I will always see you my child, in your sadness, in your recent anger at me, in your best and worst times.

Big belly or not, I am yours. Always.

I love you,

your (pregnant) momma