four lessons learned in four years of marriage

So this week has been a happy week of celebrations.  Started off with celebrating our very first year anniversary here at Chai Mommas.  Where did the time go with these fabulous mommas?    Here’s a slideshow highlighting our fun year ONE if you missed it.  Today’s special too because my husband is officially done with his medical training (after a masters degree, spending time traveling the world, a year in dental school, completing med school plus four years of residency and another in fellowship…whew, I”m out of breath just thinking about all those years of hitting the books and little sleep).  We are off to his fellowship graduation in a just a few hours and I couldn’t be more excited for him…and me too!

And also today June 14, 2013 we can break out that bubbly (ok, maybe just sparkling cider for me) because we made it to year number four of marriage!  I simply am in shock at how fast these years have sped by.  The amount of joy I have in my life now is something that I could have simply never ever ever imagined.

Now I’m not claiming that my marriage is all smooth sailing.  Marriage isn’t easy – it certainly hasn’t been for us in ways we could have never predicted.  And I know firsthand that it doesn’t always work out.  It’s a lot of work, commitment and an investment in time and energy.  It takes a lot of effort to keep it nourished so that it can continue to flourish.

So today,  I want to dedicate this post to my better half (although I don’t always let you know, I do honestly feel this way) Hitesh.  I have gained so much from you in these first few years of marriage but here are four lessons in particular that you have helped me to see and that which we both try to live by – even more so now that we are parents.

Happy anniversary, honey.  Here’s to so many more!

-Shraddha

There’s no trophy for always being right.  There’s no trophy for having the last word.  In fact, it a very small thing to be right or get in the last word.  It is a far bigger and more important thing to be nice to each other.  It is far more important to encourage and build your partner up rather than criticizing and talking down to their feelings, thoughts and ideas. I can admit, I sometimes still feel this need to have the last word but I’m getting better and I know there it’s much more valuable to move on from arguments into a constructive place than to just let it linger and manifest into a scream-fest just to see who can get in that last vocal punch.

Don’t stop believing in each other. This is so important.  Believing in each other’s dreams, aspirations, potential, in what the other is doing is incredibly important.  I know with everything in me that my husband believes in me more than anyone else in the world.  He constantly lets me know that I can achieve whatever it is to which I set my mind to…and beyond.  He has more confidence in my ability and potential than I will ever see in myself.  He has shown in so many ways that he wants to help me reach my dreams too.  And I try to show him the same.  That no matter what, I am his biggest fan and supporter.  That no matter what anyone else thinks he can or can’t do, I will always believe in him.

When things get hard (and they will), pull each other in closer.  This is essential.  Cloud filled days will paint gray even the most sun drenched ones.  Challenges will waltz into our lives without any warning.  It’s just a matter of time.  We all go through struggles inevitably, a series of tests and when you’re married, you have to remember to lean into your spouse for support during those tragic times instead of pulling away.  Letting go of any ego, anything that keeps walls up…these are the times to really break down, mend and heal together as a couple.  Pushing through some really tough times, we become stronger than ever.  And there is real beauty and power in that kind of strength in a marriage.

Home is where your honey is.  That’s what I call Hitesh – honey.  And wherever he is, that’s where home is to me.  It did take me a few years to really get this one down even though Hitesh would tell me all the time that he could be anywhere as long as it was with me.  For the longest time after we made the move cross-country from Virginia to Southern California, I couldn’t really come to terms with this being my home home.  I really thought we’d move back eventually and that this was sort of a temporary thing until he completed his training.  And especially during that first year of transitions, I’d let my husband know on a semi-regular basis all of my issues with being so far away from my friends and my family and all the reasons why I hated it here in sunny SoCal and how it just didn’t feel like “home”.  But what I also realized in these years, is that no matter where we go, home is wherever we are together…our little family.  We could live in Atlanta, San Diego, Australia or St. Lucia (wouldn’t that be nice?)…doesn’t matter.  I’m so in love with my home now.