Okay, so this post may shock you with its realness. And have you on the floor from its humor at the same time. So if you are someone who get’s upset about those e-cards that say things like, “I used to have functioning brain cells but I traded them in for a child,” and you are super amazing at everything and love being a mom so much you drink organic juice boxes with your little one instead of having a glass of wine at the end of the day…then just stop right here and don’t read on. Thanks.
For the rest of you, my friend Prabs has this fabulous blog respectively called “Absolutely Prabulous.” She’s witty and funny and knows how to be an amazing mom of 3 while adding in the humor and chaos this full time mommy gig entails.
Here, she shares her “rules” for kids when hosting sleepovers:
You know how weve been saying for the longest time we must get our angels together for a sleepover; yet its not happened? About that. I waited for you to initiate, but I heard through the grapevine that yours is a show home and you are nervous about hosting sleepovers. Well guess what honey? If youre nervous, Im positively terrified. I may not have a show home, but Im a control freak; its a cross I have to bear. As long as I know what they’re doing, be it playing Never have I Ever or braiding hair, but if they’re doing their own thing then I’m panicking. Anyways, we seem to be at stalemate so I surrender: Ill host it… alright? But heres the thing. There are rules. Your little princess or prince arent coming inside my house unless the following sleepover rules are read, memorized and understood. A nice sleepover should be fun for everyone, dressed in your onesie from www.kigurumi.co, eating junk food, and telling ghost stories, but there are rules you need to follow:
1. If your idea of having a good time includes jumping on my sofas and shrieking for no apparent reason, (other than the fact youre a pre-teen), then I must warn you my idea of dealing with this involves super glue and duct tape.
2. Please dont help yourself actually, no lets start again: Dont you dare help yourself, (yep, thats right, I just spoke in bold), to the contents of my fridge and kitchen cupboards without at least asking me first if its ok, especially when its your first time here.
3. If you fail to grasp what I said in number 2 and you DO find your way to my cupboards, then I think you can also find your way to my kitchen sink and wash your hands after eating: AKA Dont Use My Sofas To Wipe Your Hands…
…unless of course you actually want to get busy with a cleaning cloth and elbow grease to remove your handprints instead of watching “One Direction” on You Tube for like the hundredth time like with the other girls. Like.
4. Movie and popcorn? Sure, no problem. Standard. Popcorn stuffed down the sofas and stamped into the rug? Not so much…remember that cleaning cloth and elbow grease.
5. Dont even think about swearing to look cool. I also have two other kids.
Theyve already learned enough curse words from my slips of the tongue.
6. Ditto sarcasm to look clever in front of the others. I could run a master class on it honey.
7. Now, are you sitting down? Read this one very carefully.
i) You know when you say youre really not hungry so I order enough pizza for the others and then after it arrives, you decide youre hungry? Not cool, my dear.
ii) Worse: you know when I ask how hungry you are so I know exactly how many pizzas to order and then it arrives and you refuse to eat it? Nope. Not cool.
iii) Even worse: you know when I then place a second order just for you and it arrives and you dont eat it?
No, I didnt forget to finish that last one. I just go silent when something has gone beyond simply not cool.
iv) The worst: if I spend my precious time, (which I could have wasted looking at Pinterest housecleaning tips and recipes that Ill never ever use) cooking you a nice meal and you try pulling any of i) to iii), you can use that nice higher-spec-than-you-could-possibly-need-at-your-age phone of yours to call your mother and explain there is no point her fetching you in the morning as youll be here for a while finishing every morsel.
8. Dont even think about spending literally hours on the computer. We have a LOT of crafts to do. Not happy? Speak to Princess of the Sleepover about it.
9. Talking of which, please take your personalized goblets and plates, that took us an age to make together, home with you. Arts and crafts dont come naturally to me and youve no idea what self-restraint went into my coping with you dropping glitter EVERYwhere and waving those damned markers around. So please let it not have been for nothing! Take that crap HOME sister.
10. If you can put your phone inside a fancy case and put that inside your designer sleepover bag, then Im pretty sure you can handle putting your dirty undies inside the bag too. My floor is not a storage device and Im pretty damned sure Im not paid enough to handle someone elses kids panties. Hang on…Im not getting paid for any of this…
I know I dont have your attention for long so Ill make it short and snappy. Like me.
1. Please try not to ask for fizzy drinks and TV the minute you walk through the door. Ask me once, Ill be polite but firm. Ask me twice, you may hear my teeth grind. Ask me three times – actually just dont ask me three times.
2. Dont open up every jigsaw puzzle and board game my son owns and throw the contents all over my landing thinking thats how you play with them. No there are no batteries, you dont proceed to the next level after youve maimed or killed someone and they dont switch on via a remote. Youll live. You might even like it. Old school is cool.
3. Put the toilet seat up.
Just do it.
Dont forget to put it back down again.
Watch where you aim.
4. Dont bother looking in every storage box, basket and hamper searching for toy guns. You wont find any in this house. If you ask me why we dont have any, youll actually hear my eyes roll backwards.
If youre that desperate to play a game which involves pointing a weapon and aiming with deadly precision, I already suggested one. Remember point 4, last bit?
5. See point 7 of the girls rules re: pizza and dinner etiquette. Ask your mother for a dictionary if you dont recognize the word etiquette.
Right, I think that just about covers it.
So new mummy friend, did they read it? Now, what time would you like to send them over?