When my husband and I started trying to get pregnant the first time, it was so easy..we got pregnant on the very first try. I had a very healthy and low risk pregnancy, normal delivery and a healthy beautiful baby boy. Then came time to try for number two and guess what…we got it on the first try! We were both thinking how easy it was to get pregnant….
5 Weeks down the road I start spotting. I spotted quite a bit for my first pregnancy so this felt normal but then the spotting increased. I internally started freaking out and called my doctor. They said spotting and light bleeding were normal and because I had no cramping I didn’t have anything to worry about. As the days went on, the bleeding increased but I kept telling myself everything was fine even though in my head I KNEW something wasn’t right. I was avoiding coming to grips with the fact I was potentially having a miscarriage so that additional stress did not help the situation.
About 5 and a half weeks later I went to use the bathroom and had a large amount of bleeding and tissue pass and lost it. My husband and I ran to the emergency room and my poor son was left with a new babysitter watching his mom running in the car with tears down her face.
I knew it was happening but still hung on to that little bit of hope I had. The doctor did HCG level tests and told me I had lost the baby. It was by far probably one of the hardest things I have had to hear in my life.
After talking to other moms about my situation I honestly didn’t realize how common it was for women to have miscarriages. Out of one of my play groups, over half the moms had gone through it. No words can make you get over it or deal with it but I did want to share my emotions I went through as I know hearing from other moms what they went through comforted me more than ever. It took me a lot to write this post but my focus was on making women who have been through this not feel alone and to remind them to stay positive.
Denial and Shock
I didn’t want to believe it, I kept rubbing my belly as if the baby was still there. I was in pure shock thinking that something so real could disappear so quickly. I would just cry laying with Ayven and all the plans I had for both babies to be a certain age apart. It was rough.
I was pissed. I was tired of hearing people saying it happened for a reason and it was for the best and to be grateful for what I had. The advice they gave me was priceless and so true but at that time, I was focusing on finding reasons on what I did to make my baby go away. I was comparing what I did during my first pregnancy to this one, what I ate, how much I worked out or even the fact that I changed my prenatal vitamins from the first pregnancy. It’s okay to feel like this, it’s a natural feeling and even though medically I did nothing to lose this baby, blaming yourself is just part of the coping process.
Asking God why me?
I asked myself this 100 times. I kept saying to myself my husband and I have unconditional love for children and want one so badly…so why did I get mine taken away from me. What did I do so horrible that I had to lose something that I already formed a bond with the minute I got a positive pregnancy test? I soon learned it’s just a part of life 🙁
I finally came to realize I am not alone, so many women go through this and get pregnant right away. It’s just a part of life that I needed to cope with and move on. I will never forget that baby, but I realized I needed to focus on staying present rather than dwelling on the past. I can’t change what happened but I can move forward and focus on the positives in my life. I had my amazing husband who stood by my side and really guided me towards the positive route and I can’t explain how much that helped me cope.
One piece of advice I can give is talk to others that have been through this, it’s an amazing comfort zone while you are coping with your loss. Here is a book I read that helped me through the phases of my grieving process. It’s written from a very personal standpoint yet so informative on miscarriages, I highly recommend it!
I know having a miscarriage is a very private thing and like I said it was tough for me to write this, but mommas don’t feel alone..it happens to a lot of us but just remember to let your family and friends support you. I could not have gotten through it without them. I hope others don’t feel alone after reading this 🙂 If you have any tips on coping with a miscarriage please share.