Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I haven’t thought about what it would be like if I was married to someone like Noah, (Ryan Gosling), in The Notebook. My husband isn’t the type to buy me flowers every evening or serenade to wake me up for the full course meal he made. He doesn’t make public announcements of his undying love for me and tell others that “I had him at hello.”
His versions of romantic gestures include biting my arm, (playfully!), while I’m cooking or getting me our wedding flowers for occasions like my birthday. Sometimes, out of the blue, he even picks up a nice energy stone necklace from a store he knows I’d like.
He isn’t the type to plan a whole weekend of surprises for me, (he says I’m better at planning), and he likes to just go for the ride. But if he has to plan something, (like when he proposed to me or my 30th birthday party), he goes all out and doesn’t hold his heart back with anything.
He doesn’t tell me I look beautiful when I want to hear it at times, but when I’m least expecting it, in the most random moment, he shows me. He hugs me and says I look nice. He means it with his eyes.
And while he rarely, ok never, touches the dishes…actually, there’s no follow-up with this one. He never does them and yes, that can get annoying.
But we live in this world, especially on social media, where it seems like women need to tell others how amazing their spouses are. I sometimes scroll down my Facebook news feed, and see the word perfect associated with the many elaborate date nights hubbies’ planned for friends, the special gifts boyfriends bought their girls and while I am happy for them, it makes me wonder.
Are we breeding a culture where what we get and do for another is rewarded by public “likes”?
Is love turning into a “likes” contest?
No one ever posts about the fight they had about miscommunication and how they resolved it. About the argument regarding packing the bags before a vacation that turned into a fit of giggles. About the truth that lies in what’s viewed as a “perfect” relationship. That there’s ups and downs and no one is perfect.
“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.”
-philosopher Sam Keen
It’s in these very imperfections, that we learn from one another and essentially about ourselves.
Isn’t that what this game of life is all about?
In the many years my husband and I have been in a relationship, (married for 4, dated for 10, but friends for almost 20), it was when we got married that I had found traits that I never knew of to stand out, felt things I never knew my heart could hold. I am constantly evolving as a wife, mother, woman.
But we both always have stuff to work on. I mean…who doesn’t?
When he’s really tired or hungry, he snaps at anything that moves; I tell him that he is stubborn at times. I get emotional when I am stressed; he says I want to make others around me happy too much.
But we balance one another, even in our flaws. I love that he is silly and ambitious. I have become less serious and lighter about life and more goal oriented because of him. He loves that I am creative and giving. He has seen life in different colors and become more philanthropic after us.
After having a child, I saw how essential our foundation of love was even more. How it’s strength is the pillar of our little family unit. And as we continue to better ourselves as human beings in this relationship, we shine as examples of truth to our beloved daughter.
Him and I…we have screamed, laughed, cried, loved and it all has been a messy beautiful portrait of love. We get each other in our best and worst.
Together, individually, it’s the mess that makes us…us.
And it’s why I wouldn’t have asked for my partner to be any other way but imperfect. Imperfectly perfect.