How to go from Disconnected to Deep Love in Your Marriage: Post-COVID
With Valentine’s Day around the corner, it’s time to start thinking about love. Yet, let’s face it. For most of us, COVID’s been a big wet blanket when it comes to all things fun or meaningful – especially in marriage!
If you weren’t having problems before the pandemic, chances are your relationship’s taken a downturn during these past two years. From chasing after children to get on their Zoom calls while juggling your meetings, haphazardly preparing lunches and dinners and scrambling for childcare with indefinite school closures, it’s no wonder you never got out of your sweatpants or made time for a little romance with your husband.
No matter what your relationship situation is, now is a great time to have a breakthrough in your relationship.
“There is a spiritual solution to every problem.” ~ Wayne Dyer
The pandemic has revealed many cracks in peoples’ love lives, especially those who are parents and juggling their jobs at the same time. So many women and men are feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, angry or even numb. The crisis has put tremendous strain on marriages and intimate relationships.
Moreover, it’s caused old, subconscious wounds to come up that sometime your partner can trigger, because that’s the very nature and intent of relationship on a spiritual level – to help us become of aware of, and heal, old triggers so that we can grow.
Relationships are our greatest spiritual teachers, and if you are both willing to be vulnerable and willing, you can heal and grow old wounds and unleash an even more profound sense of love, courage and connection in these times. Even if there are a million stresses that may be pulling you two apart, the greatest form of capital you can invest in is your relationship with your spouse.
Your relationship is not something to be taken for granted – you need each other more than ever. Nourishing the seeds of connection and partnership is vital to keep the flame alive. You want to fail-proof your marriage, starting now!
You can bring back the fun, connection and deep love in your marriage. As a woman, you are the Emotional Leader and thus you can model and communicate what you desire and need in a marriage, in a compassionate, courageous way. You can reclaim your man’s love and devotion and watch his support for you skyrocket. Moreover, you can become better at navigating stress and uncertainty, while learning to have more balance and fun. It will involve releasing some old ideas and patterns and creating a whole new way of relating.
So how can you re-ignite your love, intimacy and partnership in your relationship in these times?
Here are some ideas to help bring back the magic in your relationship:
- Reconnect with your powerful, loving side through Self-Love. These have been really tough years. I want to acknowledge that as a mom, wife, sister, colleague and so much more, you’ve endured great stress and have held so much space for everyone else – and you somehow made it out alive. You are so incredibly loving and powerful – you are such a Rockstar! Take time to grieve, soothe yourself, practice self-compassion, and appreciate what you’ve done and who you are. These moments are not to be trivialized, rather, they are to be honored and even celebrated and recognize your strengths.
Begin to connect with your self-love and what fuels you spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. Do things that make you feel sexy and alive, and reconnect with your rich inner world. Join a women’s group and surround yourself with positivity like @thechaimommas that supports you in being your best self.
Here’s the great news! You will notice that the way you love yourself is the way the universe (and your man) will love you – the world is your mirror.
- Sprinkle in moments of romance. Take the initiative to infuse your relationship with romance and connection. On special occasions like Valentine’s Day or his birthday, dress up, light a candle, play some calming, sensual music, and chat. Play a game and bring in your flirty, playful side – or skip all of this and just make love! As a woman, you have the unique ability to bring beauty, love and embodiment into your relationship, and awaken it within your man.
- Set up weekly date nights. Schedule a time to go out to dinner once a week, even if it’s just two hours away from the kids. Remember, you are each other’s romantic partners and besties (even though it’s easy to forget!).
- Nourish your relationship in small ways. You may be feeling disconnected or overwhelmed right now, but everyday you get a chance to begin anew in your relationship. Begin to appreciate your partner whenever you can and let him know you see him. Sometimes the very things we want is someone to understand and witness us in our day-to-day. Do small acts of kindness for
each other, like making each other breakfast or taking care of the kids while the other is resting. Try not to get into a tit-for-tat situation, where you’re adding up what you’re doing vs. the other (hint – both of you are going to feel like you’re the one struggling and need more understanding!).
- Communicate your issues with compassion and skill. There is a way to communicate with men that increases trust, safety and connection. Yet this is an area most women struggle in, especially when triggered. Listening to your partner without judgement, and speaking with kindness, from a place of compassion, are key to improving your dynamic.
Bottling things up for a long period doesn’t help. In fact, when we stifle our emotions in our relationship, it shows up as contempt and criticism – which triggers our partner’s defensiveness patterns. The four behaviors – contempt, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling are shown to lead to a breakdown (read: divorce) in a marriage, according to marriage counselor Dr. John Gottman. Learning to communicate with skill is something I share in my free ebook, “5 Mistakes Women Make in Love”. I also recommend couples’ therapy to support in creating more ongoing healthy dialogue about deeper issues, which your man will likely open up to the more loved and safe he feels in your relationship.
Through following the above 5 tips, you can create a new sense of respect and love for your beloved… even a softening. You’ll notice him feeling vulnerable and loving around you, too. You will find yourself working better together, and even bringing back the fun and romance! By courageously showing up for yourself and each other, you can heal cracks and start dreaming of a more fulfilling and aligned future, while celebrating your new relationship!
Written By: Sarika Jain
Sarika Jain is a leading South Asian Love and Relationship Coach to successful, go-getter women. Her unique approach encompasses everything from uncovering relationship patterns and closing one’s ‘Ex Files’ to practicing self-love and mindfulness in relationships, all with the goal of inspiring women to live the lives they’ve dreamed about – experiencing profound love, success and fulfillment.
Sarika’s background includes working in the corporate world and on Wall Street for over fifteen years before deciding to pursue her dream full time of creating a movement around healthy love and empowerment for women over ten years ago. She lives with her husband, Krishan, and two young daughters, Lila and Maya, in Princeton NJ.
She’s leading the program “Thriving Relationships: Re-Ignite Your Love, Intimacy and Partnership with Your Beloved” beginning on February 20th, specifically created for South Asian women to thrive in their marriages. Follow @thechaimommas on Instagram to learn more at an exclusive IG LIVE on Feb. 7th at 8 pm PST with Sarika. To pre-register and for more details on the program and/or private coaching, go here…and check out the special discounts of $50 off the program and $500 off private coaching for The Chai Mommas community as well!